Feeling worse than ever
About October time, my constipation was dreadful. It was now commonplace to take a laxative every two to three days just to keep my bowels open. I felt sick but hungry at the same time. It felt as if I had eaten a three-course meal and could have eaten more, even though my stomach was empty. I felt very dizzy and on numerous occasions had to steady myself and almost passed out at times. My weight was now 10 stone, 4 lbs (65 Kg) gained from 8 stone 10 lbs (56kg) It occurred to me that something was very wrong, but what? Yet another bout of influenza, another Christmas, I really could not cope. I tried to give up smoking and to this day I have not touched a cigarette. After the influenza, came a persistant cough and painful boils in my inner ears and yet another course of antibiotics. Apart from the odd times I could not remember the times I did not have some infection, a virus, a germ, monthly Candida or Thrush and Athlete’s foot that never seemed to entirely clear up and hung around for ages or more antibiotics. By February, it was a struggle to get through the day. My daughter took me out for my birthday and treated me to a massage. I caught sight of my whole naked body in the mirror and it hit me just how much it had changed. It had puffed out. My feet and face were swollen. The dizzy spells were so persistent now, the palpitations, sleepless nights, cold inside and out, the feeling so ill just so overwhelmed me. My body had started to feel so achy. I remember saying a thank you to my daughter and apologising for falling asleep (again) She took a photograph on my birthday and was annoyed that I could not keep my eyes open. I am still horrified at the change and did not realise at the time this photo was taken, just how bad I really looked, after a short period of time.
After driving back from a party a few months later, my breathing felt so tight, which I put down to other peoples’ cigarettes, but it was frightening. In the same week, my partner remarked that my face was puffy, red and blotchy. My hair was brittle and skin was dry and had been for weeks. My legs hardly need shaving and I had even stopped sweating! I had an eye test and the Optician said there was fluid behind my eyes, which I thought was very odd, but did not know what that meant. By now, I thought I had some serious disease. My weight had now reached 10 stone 7 lbs and the many attempts at dieting had failed. I was worried now about seeing the Doctor, but went along and asked for a blood test after seeing an article in a magazine about Underactive Thyroid. I was now aching so much; my bones felt heavy and cold and could never warm up. I felt paranoid, confused and was irrational, short-tempered, very emotional and slow. My daughter and I argued a lot and it felt as if the onus was on me for just about everything and felt as if the whole world was on my shoulders.
The diagnoses
I was very pleased when the Doctor told me I had Hypothyroidism from the point of view of how I had felt and acted over the last couple of years or longer. Now I could only look forward to feeling better. I have never had a problem with taking pills (apart from forgetting if I have taken one or not). I was started on 50 mcg Thyroxine for three months until the following blood test. By late August I was beginning to feel so much better; it took those six months to start feeling human again. However I was still constipated and took liver salts daily and still overweight. I genuinely believe I will never be back to my original weight of 8 stone 10 lbs. There are still times I get confused and forgetful. I also get irrational at times. At this time I also felt that the increase of 50 mcg to 100 mcg Thyroxine was not enough.
To the Alien Within
Some days I feel rough and at times ill,
And because of this there’s a little white pill
A tablet for the rest of my days
Doctors orders, I have no say.
There are at times, I lose concentration
And suffer from days of constipation.
My mind, it seems is in a fog-
I keep on asking ‘Why me God’?
There are days I feel run down and depressed,
Lethargic, apathetic, so hard pressed.
Little tasks turn into demanding work
And my personality has taken on a strange quirk.
My feelings sometimes misunderstood,
My intensions don’t turn out, as they should.
My memory-now I forget so fast
I have muddled thoughts from my past.
My body, now in the slow lane
Finding an explanation for this pain
And sometimes it feels my breathing has tightened
And here I sit, scared and frightened.
I try to think straight but can get paranoid
What on earth has gone wrong with my Thyroid?
My bigger body I’ve not come to hate
As I can’t seem to shift this extra weight.
My hearts’ beating too fast or too slow,
Or I’m dizzy, feel faint and learnt to lie low
As I’ve fallen out with some family and friends
How I wish they’d stop to comprehend.
Future months now filled with blood tests,
Gone now is my energy and zest,
Classed as a disease, this failed gland, so small,
Will I ever feel my old self again at all?
My face flushes red and white
My puffy eyes look such a sight,
My bones at times, feel tired and weak,
My emotions in turmoil, I just sit and weep.
Now there are diseases, to which I’m prone,
Any autoimmune illness that are known
And this could be hereditary
I hope my children do not take after me
My partner moved in with me the following September in 1996 and we both found employment. I found it so difficult to concentrate for too long and made silly, unnecessary mistakes and seriously confused some simple bookkeeping more than once. By now I was taking 125 mcg of Thyroxine. I resigned from this job the following Christmas, as I just could not concentrate long enough for any one time. Getting the alphabet mixed up during some filing was the last straw and I knew from that day, after feeling so stupid, it was going to be tough to be able to concentrate on more than one thing and to even try to justify myself to a stranger, how would that make me look?
My pregnancy and Thyroxine
My partner and myself discussed having a family before I got any older, as I was now thirty-seven and was surprised to have got pregnant almost straight away! As both Hypothyroidism and Hyperthyroidism can affect fertility, I was terrified. After all, in a matter of a few years, I had lost my Mum, got a divorce, had more laser treatment for abnormal cells on my cervix, the falling out with close family, the death of my best friend, financial problems and I did wonder if this was sensible and also worried what effect the tablets would have on my unborn child? I received so many conflicting opinions about how much Thyroxine should be taken during pregnancy, it became a real worry. When I found out what the illness was, I read books and joined the British Thyroid Foundation in Leeds, which has been invaluable. About halfway through the pregnancy, I became tired and dizzy; it was hard to tell if it was my Thyroid and once again got opposing opinions from experts. I eventually saw a specialist who lowered the Thyroxine to 112 and a half mcg during the seventh month and was monitored throughout the pregnancy with three monthly blood tests. My waters broke ten days early and I was in and out of labour for three days even after two attempts at starting full labour. On the third day I was put on a drip and an epidural was placed, but still my cervix did not dilate, so ended up with a Caesarean section. It was possible that because of my Thyroid this happened or so I was told. A couple of weeks after the birth I begun to feel dizzy and faint, tired, sluggish and emotional, exactly how one would feel after having a baby. I also lost nearly two pints of blood during the birth, so this might have been part of the explanation. The Doctor also told me my Thyroid was all over the place and would take many months of getting back to normal. I had another blood test just before the New Year of 1998 and was told to lower my Thyroxine down to 100 mcg. My bones still ached a little from time to time and my breathing still felt furred up and since Christmas like a lump in my chest.
I started dieting about Mid November and after eight weeks lost 14 lbs and thought this was quite fast, but felt so much better for the weight loss, but could not understand why I was still having symptoms of Hypothyroidism.
The British Thyroid Foundation have built up a network and it helps a great deal knowing that I can pick up the telephone and to talk to someone with a similar problem. I spoke to one such helper, who had had her Thyroid removed and take 200 mcg Thyroxine. She was more informative than all the Doctors I had ever spoken to. Another in the West Country, who kindly sent some information on Thyroxine and pregnancy. A member close by to me, who has written about her illness of thirty years; she says the disease is mostly responsible for the break-up of her first marriage, but is now with somebody who is more understanding. She cooked dinner for her family once and put the meals in the fridge! I have met a lady who lives locally who is Underactive and we now swap experiences and information.
My Cousin has been diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism after being wrongly diagnosed with M.E. for years. She has been very ill over the last couple of years, but has recently been discharged from the hospital without medication. My Aunt is slightly Hypothyroid and is on 50 mcg daily and an Uncle is also on the same medication as my aunt, all on my late Mothers’ side.
